admission.

You probably think I haven't written a blog post in a really long time, pratically two weeks. But alas, I have. I have written two blog posts and have posted them. If you've been on the blog at the right moment, you may have seen them. They didn't last long. After giving myself a little time and then a chance to reread, I took the posts down. You see, they were just a little too personal. I share a lot of myself on this blog, but I just can't readily admit some thing to the 'universe' yet. In fact, I'm just able to admit those things to myself, so I'm going to keep processing them, instead of putting it out their for the world to see.

I will admit that writing blog posts make me feel so much better. It is not the act of posting and maintaing a blog that makes me feel good (though I do get sick joy out of seeing how many people read my blog, thank you google analytics), but it is the act of writing. The release of getting my feelings out of my head and onto 'paper.' It is so cathartic.

I know my writing is all over the place and doesn't address any sort of issue, but man, it is my voice... my stream of thoughts, worries, and insecures.

So, though this blog may seem neglected, it is doing me a great favor by giving me an outlet of expression and a place to share my secrets, even it is just with myself.

feelings.

Do you ever get the urge to throw up the double fingers and say EFFFFF YOUUUUU to someone?

That's been happening to me a lot lately.

celebrate.

Well, after my complaining earlier this week and a hellish doctor’s appointment (It wasn’t that hellish, but I cried through more than half the appointment. In the end, we reached a resolution that I can deal with) the week has ended on two high notes.

First, I was accepted to the masters program at The Ivy! Woooooooooohooooo! Yes! I am so excited about this opportunity. I won’t be going full time, but this is a step in the right direction. The program is a two-year full time program, so I expect it is going to take me quite a bit of time to finish. But when I think about the long-term scheme of things, it will be worth it. My Mom is thrilled because this secures me close to home for another couple of years. This also relieves some of the uncertainty I had been feeling about staying in the Frozen Tundra vs. moving closer to my sisters.

Secondly, I wrapped up my physical therapy and am all clear for activity. I mean, after I completed the Tough Mudder, I knew my shoulder was pretty close to 100%, but now it has been confirmed. I can do push-ups, weights, and whatever else I please. In honor of this, I’ve signed up for a rowing class! Can you believe it?!?! The class is two nights a week for the month of June and I’ll be out of the lake gliding along. My friend did it last year and loved it. She said it is surprisingly little shoulder strain and more back and leg muscles. She also said that it was so peaceful and lovely to be out on the lake. I can’t wait. These will be good for me, especially since softball is out this summer.

I’ve been such a bum since the Tough Mudder. Last week, I was sick and didn’t do much exercising and this week, I haven’t been much better. I still feel a little on the sick side and I’m run down from all the go-go-go. Plus, the weather has been gray and raining and ick. I am much more motivated when it is sunny and warm. I really want to do another half marathon this fall, so I need to start training for it. I hope to do a few weeks of general running and then start my training in June. I should be ready for a half by the end of August/early September.

That’s it for me. I’m looking forward to a weekend of rest and actually being in the Frozen Tundra. The last two weekends of the month I’ll be back on the road.

Don’t forget to wish your mama a Happy Mother’s Day on Sunday!

crank monster.

I don’t know if I am overtired or hormonal or my medicine is not working or what, but man, I have been cranky the past couple of days. I’ve been really tired for like a month, but my intolerance has gone over the edge lately. I can’t wait until this weekend when I can sleep in, lounge around, and be a total bum without any commitments or plans. It is so necessary for my mental well-being.

I do think my meds are partly to blame. As I’ve said before, I don’t think my body is responding well to the thyroid medicine they have me on and I’m feeling sluggish and moody as a result. The good news is my second-opinion appointment is tomorrow and I am going to press them to switch my meds. I really hope they can offer some additional answers or ideas as to what is up with me.

Also, this rain is getting me down. Granted, it was beautiful in the Frozen Tundra on Sunday, but I was in the car driving from MD and didn’t get to absorb as many rays as I’d like. Sunshine to me is like a shot of positivity. I need it. I take vitamin d, but nothing can replace the pure blissed out feeling I get while basking in the glow of a gorgeous day. It looks like things will start to clear up tomorrow and be nice through the weekend. YAY!

when I say tough...

On Saturday, three of my comrades and I did the Tough Mudder at Pocono Manor. Not going to lie, it was hard. I am very bruised. I am sore. But, I am so proud of my teammates and myself. Not only were we faced with a 12-mile course with 27 obstacles, we ran it in extremely cold conditions… soaking wet for much of the race.

We were scheduled for the 10:00 a.m. wave, so we arrived at the parking area at about 8:10 a.m. After a very long bus ride to the course, we registered and prepared ourselves for the race, i.e. taped our shoes and put on our bibs. Then, it was the obligatory trip to the port-o-potties. While standing in line, a huge, really fit guy comes stomping off the course soaking wet and bright red. He says, “This is terrible. Don’t do it.” Gulp.

Well, we couldn’t let a little thing like that distract us from our goal. So, we checked our bags and lined up for the start. After I had a mild breakdown and anxiety attack, we said that Tough Mudder creed, waved goodbye to No.2, and were on our way.

Within the first mile, we were soaking wet… plunging ourselves into an ice bath. I nearly lost a contact and I most certainly lost my breath. After that it was more running , more mud… crawling underground, jumping over fire, squirming in and out of tubes, jumping off platforms, carrying logs, and any other sort of legalized torture you can imagine.

The obstacles were difficult, but mostly mental. My shoulder was very weak from surgery in December and I really depended on my team and fine gentlemen to help me over the walls. It wasn’t pretty, but I did it. I skipped two obstacles because of the obvious strain it would put on my shoulder and couldn’t do one. I was really close on Everest, but I couldn’t get myself over the ledge. That’s ok, I don’t feel badly about it.

The other obstacle that was completely terrifying and would be the most difficult for me to do again was Walk the Plank. When I jumped, I was under water for a really long time. When I came back up, I was hyperventilating and had major difficulty swimming with my muddy clothing and shoes. Luckily, a nice guy dragged my butt up out of the pond. It was very scary.

Other than that, the obstacles weren’t that terrible. They were difficult, but I felt they were doable. The hardest thing for me was the running. The longest I had run during my training was 4 miles, which wasn’t enough. If I was to ever do it again, running and upper body strength would be a core priority.

I will definitely say that the positivity and camaraderie of the race was/is inspiring. We picked up a teammate at mile 2. She was running alone and we happily invited her to join our team. She stuck with us the whole time and we all needed it. It was the support my teammates and fellow mudders that helped me through. It was also great to have No.2 as our pit crew and master of extreme spectating. She was the cheerleader I needed and she did a great job documenting our journey.

Overall, it was a good experience. I happily chug my beer and put on my headband at the finish area. I think the event was well organized and you get enough food/goodies to make it worth the registration fee. Would I do it again? Maybe. If someone really wanted me to do it with them, I’d consider it. But for now, I need to focus on recovery and finishing up the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.

One of my battle wounds. My thighs are also completely bruised and my knees skinned and scrapped.

waitin' on a sunny day.

As I alluded to in my two prior brief (very brief) posts, I have been so busy the past two months. I’m not complaining because, well, it has all been pretty positive; still, it is exhausting. Things are about to peak on Saturday when I participate in the Tough Mudder, and after next weekend’s trip to MD, I will finally be in the Frozen Tundra for a weekend of rest. Actually, I’ll be here two weekends in a row (a small miracle) before I gear up with summer adventures and fun.
So, where do I start in recapping these past few weeks?

After my birthday, I went on a three day vacation with Madonna to the Florida Keys. It was everything I needed. Warm sun. Frosty beverages. Good company. It was beautiful. Peaceful. Blissful. And it is always fun to hang with Madonna. I hadn’t seen her in over a year, so it was a much needed get-away. We travel really well together and have the same vacation style, so it is easy and stress-free. Madonna is graduating nursing school in May and will be moving to Las Vegas. I’m sad, but this gives me another excuse to visit Vegas. We hope to have a “Great Western Adventure” in July and tour around Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, and potentially New Mexico. Wheeee!

After vacation, I had a jam packed couple of weeks with work events. All went really well. Go me! Then, it was Easter and I was back in Suskyville with the family. We had a relatively low-key weekend and no big blow-outs… always a feat for us bickersons. I also got to hang out with Top Chef, Minnie, and their men, which is a treat and makes me feel so grounded. I just feel so much more myself after I’ve hung out with them.

The next big adventure was seeing Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band in concert. Honestly, I cannot do the experience justice with words. It was the BEST concert I have ever been to. It was moving. It was… dare I say it… life changing. This sounds ridiculous, but I feel like something in my soul shifted. Bruce is the Boss. Seriously, one of the best things ever… and I am happy to have shared it with my parents.

The following week was crazy at work. Many meetings. Many deadlines. All met to satisfaction.

For my parents’ anniversary, I bought them tickets to Daughtry, so we enjoyed another musical adventure together. I will admit it; Daughtry was no Springsteen. But, who is and who ever will be? No one. He was good in his own way and it was a pleasure to spend time with my parentals. (Gosh, I sure do a lot with them. Good thing they are super cool and fun!)
So here we are, back to the present and I’m anxiously awaiting tomorrow’s Tough Mudder.

I guess I should quickly touch on how I’ve been feeling. My shoulder is healing very well. It better be considering the strain I’ll be putting it through tomorrow. My physical therapist says it is strong and my motion is near 100%. I can continue building strength and motion will only improve. Yay!

My hair is still curly and my food allergies are still ridiculous. I don’t expect that to change any time soon.

My thyroid. Well, this is still an issue. I’m completely disgusted with my doctor at Guthrie. For a while, I felt good on my medicine, but things aren’t so peachy right now. My body is sending clear signals that it is not responding well to the medicine and after my last round of bloodwork, I am so stinkin’ glad that I have a second opinion appointment on May 9. Also, the past couple of weeks I’ve been so tired… sleeping 10-12 hours on the weekends and feeling exhausted a lot of the time. I’m not sure if this is because I’ve been on the go for two months, but it doesn’t feel good. I also have some peripheral side effects that I’m none too pleased about. But, I’m trying to be patient and am looking forward to seeing my new doctor.

Well, that’s about it. Whew. It feels good to get that all out. In general, I feel really good about my position in life. The biggest things on my mind are finishing this Tough Mudder without dying or maiming myself, getting my thyroid properly regulated, and hearing back about graduate school.

am i in.

I finally did it. I finally submitted my application to graduate school at the Ivy. I wouldn't be going full time but through the employee degree program. Still, I applied and I have to get in. I really hope I do. Fingers crossed.